Illusions of a Darkstar v.6.0 Crimson

U"Roses of BloodU
URoses of Crimson..."U

Searching for the Darkstar on Thursday, January 22, 2009 at 12:53 a.m.
Crimson Blood, Crimson Rose: F

today i failed. i made the apple dessert i learned from the wine class dinner for my guildies... RO guildies and it didnt go over so well. it was too sweet. despite the face that it was a success at work for thanksgiving, this time it was no good. in fact they recommended it should have had half the amount of sugar.. i'm not angry about it or anything i just realize... i really need to work harder. just because one group of people likes something it doesnt mean the majority of people will. that is probably what the cooking instructor was trying to tell me.. i completely bombed. its a bit disheartening. cooking is one of the few things i feel i have some skill in, but apparently there is only a little and i have much more to learn. all i can do is hope that i can make it. it was at first a back up because i felt confident i could do it but now it wont be so easy i see. ganbaru to omoimasu... i dont think i can face them with another dish again until i know it is perfect. i'm very sad and disappointed in myself but at the same time i guess it is a very much needed reality check. i want to make them happy and smile.. i want to make them proud. so i must work harder... and improve.. although i no longer know which path is more suited to me anymore.

on the bright side after wards zi joined in with us for LBP. he was enjoying himself for a while at least i think. even if i am pretty sure i am finally over my feelings for him it still makes me very happy to see his smile and to know i helped to bring it there. maybe i just want to make him proud, to show that i am the good little pet mousey still that always is there to help him. i do miss those days when i was needed and we were all a family. even despite all other chaos that was going on outside of it.. it was still one of the happiest times for me and there is very little i would trade in exchange for it.

~SU

U"Roses of BloodU
URoses of Crimson..."U

Searching for the Darkstar on Wednesday, January 21, 2009 at 03:10 a.m.
Crimson Blood, Crimson Rose: 廻る、廻る、世界が廻る

I haven't written in a long time. I can't help this sadness that comes from the hope of love existing slipping away. i want to believe but... it really seems more like the thing people just make up to trick themselves and each other. But for what?

the world will keep turning and turning... there's both a light and dark side to it, night and day, but I only ever seem to write when it gets dark, don't I?

信じられたい、出来たい、抱きしめたい、この夢を。。。

~SU

U"Roses of BloodU
URoses of Crimson..."U

Searching for the Darkstar on Tuesday, January 8, 2008 at 11:26 p.m.
Crimson Blood, Crimson Rose: Yura yurari yuraete

lately i've been feeling lonely. i wonder why lonely? it's always lonely. we talked at work about my past relationship a little because we were talking about bad relationships. i talked about how i wasnt really into it at all. i dont mind that really, but when i think of it that is somewhat lonely too. it's like, you have someone, but you really have no one?

then i tried to message some people about various things but got no reply... ahh, that's kind of lonely too, isn't it.

so instead i listened to the new duel jewel music i downloaded. i bought the cd already through yahoo japan auction through tina because cd japan sold out and it's limited release... so i became desperate in getting it. but i love duel jewel so i was impatient and downloaded it anyway so i could hear some of it now instead of waiting... it made me feel better a little i think. music makes me less lonely because i will remember what i want to accomplish, what i want to do. i don't have time to be lonely right now. rather, maybe it's ok to be lonely for now because if i succeed i won't have to be lonely. i will meet a lot of new people and have fans who will want to be there for me. it is a nice dream. i read a duel jewel interview from jrock revolution and that made me happy as well, to hear how excited they were and eager to play for all of us. also, eager to be friends with the other bands playing. i hope to be in that position someday too. i hope to be succsessful so i can meet and play with the bands and people who inspire me so much, as friends. at that time, i hope they will accept me, because i want to thank them.

i have a long way to go and a lot of work to do, but i will do my best. please wait for me m(_ _)m

~SU